Friend or Lover?

A student once asked me when does a friend (of the opposite sex) become a lover? To some people the answer is quite clear-cut as they can differentiate between the two rather easily, to others it's less obvious. The two form relationships are actually separated only by a very thin line and can be easily confused or misunderstood especially by those involved. A lover is most of the time a close friend but a close friend is not necessary a lover. Then how does one know when is a close friend a lover and when is a lover just a close friend? To me, the main distinction between the two is in the level of commitment. A friend is a person whom you know well enough and whom you regard with affection and trust. As the feeling for each other grows so does the level of affection and trust and eventually becoming intimate friends. As the degree of intimacy increases, the relationship changes from one of compassionate love to passionate and finally to romantic love. Generally speaking, a close friend can be of any gender whereas lover are usually of the opposite sex (of course there are certain groups of people who prefer to have lover of the same sex). Once a couple becomes lovers, there would be a great deal of physical and emotional intimacy, activities that we don't normally share with friends or even very close friends. Thus, when two persons reach that stage of their relationship, marriage would normally follow.

Then, can a gal and a guy remain as close friends and not become lovers? In theory, it's possible but in reality it isn't easy. When a guy and a gal become close friends, they would have reached a certain level of understanding of each other personality and would have enjoyed each other company. It would then be a natural development for them to want to spend more time with each other and to eventually stay together under the same roof. On the oher hand, it's also possible that a deeper understanding of each other's character can lead them to conclude that they are not suited for each other. In this case, the pair of close friends might go back to being just friends or even strangers rather than progressing to becoming lovers. Thus, it seemed that it will be quite difficult for a man and a woman to remain as close friends when they do not intend to spend the rest of their lives together. Of course, there are cases of married couple who still keep in touch with their friends of the opposite sex but only to a certain extent. They won't be as close as they used to be before they got married. It's sad to see such close friends (between a male and a female) becoming just causal friends but for the sake of their married life it's better to keep their distance from each other.

Well, some of you might say that your spouse is an open-minded person and won't mind your keeping in contact with close friends of the opposite sex. If that is truth then you are lucky to have such an understanding life partner but don't push your luck too far. Imagine this: A wife who had just quarrelled with her husband, went to seek her male friend for advice and ended up crying on his shoulder. Well, since they are close friends there are nothing inappropriate about the gesture but what do you think will happen if the supposing open-minded husband were to appear at the door and found his wife in the arms of her male friend? The fact that many marriages or families are broken up because of a spouse's extra-marital affair shows that it's extremely difficult not to get romantically involved with one's male/female friend especially when one is unhappy with one's spouse.

So, do not try to convert a friend into a lover without careful consideration. Are both of you interested? How sure are you that what you are experiencing is true love and not an infatuation? Will your life lose its meaning if he/she is missing from your life? Are you ready to see his/her face every morning for the rest of your life? Are both of you prepared (both mentally and physically) for the commitments and sacrifices that come with being romantically involved? And if you do decide to try becoming more romantic, go slow so as to protect the friendship (it is hard to maintain the friendship if one person becomes deeply involved and is rejected).

It will take a rare man and a rare woman to become close friends and yet not to become husband and wife. It would take close to a miracle for them to be married to a rarer man/woman who would tolerate such close relationship.